“No!”
“Don’t do that!”
“I told you no, didn’t I?”
“How many times do you have to be told?”
“Get away from there!”
“This is your third spanking today and you’re about to get another!”
Do these “threatenings” sound familiar? Are they descriptions of a bad child or do they reflect a parent’s bad parenting? Good question, isn’t it? The Bible does say, “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” Proverbs 13:24, and “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.” Proverbs 19:18. Then, what about “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15 and “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod he shall not die.” Proverbs 23:13?
All these verses are true and they show us the Biblical, corrective measures we should take in disciplining our children. There are times that this is needful….but this kind of discipline is not for every action.
Too many moms and dads do their disciplining out of exasperation and frustration from being “interrupted” in what they are trying to accomplish; and their parental discipline turns into nothing more than threatenings and spankings.
It takes time and your focus, to parent a child properly.
It is my opinion, based on the scriptures, that there are two main avenues to disciplining children. Knowing when to use these different types of discipline is where wisdom, self-control and parental discipline enter the picture.
The first type of discipline is the corrective kind. This is reserved for when the child goes beyond your already established boundaries and does so willingly and knowingly. This is a direct disobedience of authority. This is where you would do what might hurt or bring great discomfort to your child. This would include spanking (only on the place that God created and prepared for a child to be disciplined), sending your child to their room, taking away a desired privilege, or losing a much looked forward to opportunity for fun. There are many “painful” things that can happen to a child in disciplining that will leave a lasting impression.
Even in this type of discipline, your approach and your spirit in this kind of discipline is the key to its success. If you are angry, quick tempered or irritated by having to deal with your unruly child, they will know it. This builds no bonds between you and Johnny, and your discipline, however needful it might have been…
will be a failure. Disciplining in anger only provokes children to wrath against you and does not make you a good parent. Your report card for disciplining in this manner will come back to bite you later.
You must have control of your own spirit to use corrective discipline successfully!
The second type of discipline and the most often neglected part is verbal discipline. I did not say “permissive discipline”. There are parents who just “talk” about disciplining their child and their threats are idle and wasted.
“Now Johnny, what did I say?”
“Sweetheart, please don’t do that anymore.”
“I’m going to have to spank you if you don’t do what I say…”
This passive, permissive form of discipline really turns parents into practicing liars with their children, because they rarely carry through with anything they are saying. This will wear a parent out and breed disrespect from the children to their parents.
The verbal approach to discipline is found in scripture also.
Proverbs 25:11 “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”
We all love the sound of words fitly spoken in our direction! Think about this…most of what children do in the waking part of their day is acceptable behavior. Ninety-five percent of what your child does in a day can be great, but that unacceptable, five percent can throw many parents into an emotional tailspin and completely ruin their day. Perhaps it’s time to regroup in our manner of discipline. Successful discipline starts with a Biblical mindset and a spirit-controlled parent. Know the right discipline for the right cause.
Much of daily discipline can be more positive in its application, remembering that spanking and corrective discipline is reserved for direct disobedience against authority. Verbal discipline will take more of your time and energy. You will have to set aside what you would like to accomplish, for the time to spend in instruction and admonishing your child.
“Withold not good (or help) from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.” Proverbs 3:27
“A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!" Proverbs 15:23
I have taught Kindergarten and First/Second grade for many years now and I have learned first hand that concentrating on the positive in discipline reaps many more good behaviors from a child than harshness ever did. A nod of the head, my smile of approval, a pat on the back with an encouraging word shows my approval and acceptance of their good behavior and they will break their backs to give me more of the same!
Positive teaching/instruction that communicates our approval does not conflict with corrective discipline. A parent’s longsuffering, that calm spirit and gentle, clear teaching that says, “This is the way and you need to walk in it”, will do more to train your child than fast harsh words that create fear in their heart.
Moms….we should desire to discipline in ways that will please the Lord. When you are pleasing the Lord, you will please yourself, and your children will be much more responsive to your discipline.
What about the strong willed child?
My personal opinion on strong willed children is that they were handled permissively from the very beginning. Once a child has learned how to control his parents, it will take harsher approaches from the parents, to regain the control that was rightfully theirs from the beginning. It may have started right from birth when every little cry was doted upon or the child wanted what they wanted when they wanted it. Giving in to a baby’s demands without setting boundaries, even that early, sets the stage for a two year old who refuses to come when you call or submit when you tell him to do something. His control over you is just more obviously seen at two and three than it was when he was a babe in the crib.
In my classroom, as each school year begins, my rules are very stringent. I am seriously strict in every area. Once the lines have been established and I see that the students have respect for their boundaries….and for me as the teacher, I then can loosen up in my strict tone. I never change the rules, but in applying them, I now need not be as strict in my approach to the rules. The children begin enforcing them all by themselves and without my help. What a happy classroom it is when that happens!
Proverbs 13:19 “The desire accomplished is sweet to the soul.”
Disciplining children starts with us as parents. We must be disciplined…in order to discipline.
Remember this …Proverbs 16:24 “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.”
Happy Training!
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